Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I have jaundice! Or do I...?

Best excuse for not answering your phone:
“Sorry, I was trying to pee in a jar.”

Went to doctor a few days ago. This one didn’t laugh at me when I told him I think I’m turning yellow. Instead he sent me back to get pricked by a needle again (to fill like 8000 vials of my blood! OK it was more like 5 but still. Aaa-ha-ha…) – and to pee in a jar. On the plus side, I’ve been telling people I have jaundice. I’m pretty sure that’s an inaccurate self-diagnosis, but we will see…

I think it was one of those I’m-bored-and-it’s-raining-so-lets-come-up-with-some-entertainment days for the lab staff. I sat in the waiting room for a few hours AFTER they’d finished draining my blood, waiting for enough liquid to trickle into my bladder to instigate the urge to pee, so I was there to observe the staff demanding a urine sample from everyone that walked in the door. I must admit it was fairly amusing to watch everyone’s expression at this news – varying degrees of alarm, directly related to the time span since taking their latest leak.

To make a long story short, I successfully peed in that jar, after practically doing lunges around the waiting room. I waved goodbye, walked out that door, looked for my phone, and stopped. And went back in. The staff greeted me like I was an old friend. I suppose they’d gotten used to my company. I had spent the last 2 hours coming up to the counter at intervals with the lovely paper cup they’d provided me with, saying, “Please, suh, can I have s’more?”

I checked the bathroom, the chairs, the floor (because it may have fallen from my pocket during one of those lunges I may or may not have actually done when no one was looking), and then FINALLY I found my phone. In my bag. After borrowing their staff phone to phone my phone. Good job, Courtney. You are amazing at this whole life thing.

For a list of other fun (stupid) things I’ve done, I compiled a list of past true stories for your entertainment. Hey, I had to do SOMETHING while I was waiting to urinate.

DISCLAIMER: Do not attempt any of the following.

1. Tried to swallow a grape whole. Seriously, do not attempt.

2. Decided to tell my boyfriend’s parents about said grape-swallowing experience the first time I met them. (I am awesome at first impressions.) Luckily they are very cool people.

3. Whilst holding a pair of chopsticks, I decided to jump on the bed. And trip. And allow one of the chopsticks to enter my nasal cavity. I’ve been plagued with nosebleeds for about 18 years now…

4. Granted my friends permission to give me a haircut with the kitchen scissors when I was about 5. (“You don’t want bangs anymore, do you?”)

5. Gave myself a haircut about 20 minutes before my grade 12 graduation ceremony. Apparently 12 years didn’t teach me much… But my bangs were too long!

6. Decided to become a writer. Haw haw haw…
The job hunt continues…

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